Man / Boy
A man and a boy walk past each other on the street,
The man says nothing, neither does the boy
But they both see one thing in the other
The boy sees himself in the future
Bring home the bread
The leader of the house and a responsible man
The man too sees himself in the past
A care free boy
No heavy burdens
As they continue to walk they both eye each other with admiration.
While I was writing this poem was thinking a bit about strangers in a car and i thought that this poem was a good reflection of it as sees the world throught the eye of the stranger. I kinda wanted to show that people really can see them self in other people and I hope that this poem does just that.
Monday, January 29, 2007
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3 comments:
Good Show
- The poem has a nice story structure but I think that it needs a bit more meat to it.
- Also another change would be "The man too sees himself in the past" this is because it doesn't make sense. The boy is looking to the future and not the past so I would take out "too"
- I do like the story format so I understand where you are at.
- And I like your vocabulary
Keiper
ata be Fraser good poem, but im not gonna lie, there are a few things that if changed, will make your poem that much better.
- as Keiper said maybe a little more meat. it has good structure, but some ingredients are needed.
-bring home the bread? not too sure where you are going with that line.
-i quite enjoyed your poem and it was quite deep.
good job,
Chris Locke
First off, i like this poem i think it's smart. but the thing i think is this...
-One of the lines like "The man too sees himself in the past" to me the word "too" kind is out of place
-I don't know maybe it's just me, but i don't really think that the line "The man says nothing, neither does the boy" is really needed, i mean i think that maybe you could put something a little more....not as much as a space filler in there
-However i really like the last line i think that it really leaves people wanting more and i think that it puts a little more into the poem.
good job
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