Sun unedited
I float miraculously above the universe,
Living a life untold
I bring rich happiness and joy to those whom I give light
I watch them from birth only
To see them die old,
Yet to only come back again the next day
Smaller than before
With happiness come grief
Drought, famine dehydration
I wish I could reach out and help the
But I am stuck here floating
Living a life untold
I bring rich happiness and joy to those whom I give light
I watch them from birth only
To see them die old,
Yet to only come back again the next day
Smaller than before
With happiness come grief
Drought, famine dehydration
I wish I could reach out and help the
But I am stuck here floating
I thought about this poem above very carefully and decided that it didn't make sence in some ways. So I cut and added some lines I hope you notice the difference it makes.
Sun edited
I float miraculously above the universe,
Living a life never to be recongized
Living a life never to be recongized
I bring rich happiness and joy to those whom I give light
I watch them from birth only
To see them die old,
Yet to only come back again the next day
Smaller than before
With happiness comes the grief I give
Drought, famine and dehydration
I wish I could reach out and help the
But I am stuck here floating, helpless.
I watch them from birth only
To see them die old,
Yet to only come back again the next day
Smaller than before
With happiness comes the grief I give
Drought, famine and dehydration
I wish I could reach out and help the
But I am stuck here floating, helpless.
2 comments:
The changes you made made the poem a lot better. my favourite line is, "I wish I could reach out and help the But I am stuck here floating, helpless", because it shows the sun day after day, wanting but helpless and that everyone is helpless and has feelings. I think though that you meant to say the word then instead of "the" after "help" in that passage.
The changes on your poem made it very fluiently and amazing. My favourite line is "Iwatch them from birth only, to see them die old." This is so because it paints a nice picture in your head and it is very fluid with the other lines. It is also very strong and powerful. One thing that I think I could have improved is that i think it was good and was fluid at the beggning then when you said that it didn't make much sensse, i thought it made some sense.
RIGHT ON THE MONEY
+/- Chris
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